The Simulacrum

~Chapter 154~ Part 3

So, before I start salvaging this weird-ass situation, let's get something out of the way first: What the hell, princess?! How is this, in any shape or form, 'under control'?! You had one job! Naoren botching up like this was one thing, since I never had sky-high expectations of the guy, but this? I mean, I wasn't angry… not really, just… disappointed.

All right, now that I silently vented my frustrations, it was time to address the elephant in the room. Inhaling deeply, I turned around and walked over to Elly's desk in the corner. In front of it stood a fancy wooden chair, with carved flairs and white silk cushions. I grabbed it by the backrest and carried it next to the bed. Once I positioned it so that it was facing the side of said bed, I sat down there and gestured for Melinda.

"Take a seat."

She glanced between me and the empty chair and remained silent for a long, awkward beat.

"I don't know what kind of roleplay future young master wants to—"

"No." I cut her off and swept my hand horizontally for extra emphasis before pointing at the chair again. "Don't 'future young master' me. We're not doing this. We're not doing any of this. Now, sit down, shut up, and listen."

For the first time, her poker face wavered for a second, but then she finally started to move and took a seat, only to then provocatively cross her legs in a way that, if I tried, I could probably see her underwear. In response, I rolled my eyes, reached over to grab one of the large bunny plushies arranged at the end of the bed, and tossed it into her lap, forcing her to adjust her posture.

"Cut it out, and sit properly." For a moment she looked like she was on the verge of pouting, but she followed my instructions and sat up straight while loosely hugging the toy rabbit. "Good. Now, we talk."

I said that, but I needed some time to collect my thoughts first, so I raised a finger to forestall the conversation. Once I felt sufficiently composed, I let my hand down and levelled a stare as dispassionate as possible at the errant chambermaid.

"Listen, Melinda. We both know why you're doing this, so I'm not going to bother with that question. Answer me this instead: what was your goal with this little stunt?" I raised a finger for emphasis once more and enunciated, "Think carefully. Depending on your answer, I might have to be impolite."

"Future young master, I…"

"Also, cut that," I interrupted her before she could get started. "This whole 'passive-aggressive heckling' thing was cute and inconsequential until now, but we're way past that. Stop it."

"… Understood." Looking more disheartened by the minute, she nevertheless collected herself quickly and met my gaze with her own. "I was planning to seduce fut— I mean, you."

"Because Elly rebuked your advances," I ventured a guess. She nodded without hesitation.

"So your plan was to…?"

"Seduce you," she repeated herself, this time sounding impatient.

"No, that's not what I meant. Let me ask this way: what did you want to achieve by doing that?"

Now, she looked borderline confused, as if I just asked her why the sky was blue. She must've seriously considered it a trick question, because after a long pause, she tentatively responded with, "To… become your concubine?"

I didn't point out that this was a question, and instead heaved a soft sigh of relief.

"Good answer. You've got a point. Don't squander it."

Watching her normally stoic expression turn increasingly more confounded was amusing in a way, but I didn't say that just to bamboozle her. I was genuinely relieved that she had such a 'straightforward' motivation. If she wanted to seduce me to create a scandal and break us up, or something to that effect, it would've been much harder to deal with her in good faith.

More importantly though… did she just say 'concubine'? Isn't that something like an 'official' mistress one would keep while also having a spouse? I had encountered the term a few times while reading the 'research material' Judy occasionally foisted on me, and… wait.

Oh, for the love of…! Was this another shoujo romance plot trope development? Goddammit, I thought I already mitigated those by disarming that ticking plot-bomb between Naoren, Rinne, and Ysolde, but I was so focused on it that I got blindsided by this event instead. Ugh. I hate it when that happened.

Pushing my irritation down, I crossed my arms.

"You don't actually like me though, and if you just wanted to stay close to Elly, there was no need for any of this. I'm not going to take her away anywhere any time soon. What were you thinking?" She reflexively shook her head, but after some hesitation she nodded… and then shook her head again. "That wasn't a yes/no question. Speak up."

Hesitant at first, Melinda shifted and squirmed in her seat, but at last she found her resolve and began to speak in a calm yet slightly strained voice.

"Milady told me that she doesn't reciprocate my feelings and that she's not attracted to women, but…" She looked at me intently, as if trying to read my expression, so I stilled my face and waited for her to continue. "But it's an open secret that Milady and Lady Judy are in a physical relationship. Therefore, I concluded that if I were to become your partner as well, I could still get closer to Milady, even if she wouldn't be looking at me alone."

"… Seriously? That was your plan?"

"Yes, so…" She inhaled sharply and looked me deep in the eye. "I understand that we haven't always seen eye to eye, but I'm still going to shamelessly request this favor from you. I don't have much to offer, other than my body, but I—"

"Stop, stop! Are you even listening to yourself? Bloody hell, Melinda! Have some god-forsaken self-respect!"

Startled by my impassioned interruption, she shrunk back in her seat. Seeing that, I toned back my voice and raised my palms to show I meant no harm.

"Listen, Melinda. You're labouring under multiple misunderstandings here, so let's quickly dismantle them. First off, despite what the rumour mill says, Elly and Judy aren't together like that, making your entire plan pointless. Secondly, I'm really not the kind of guy you're going to be able to grab with sex-appeal like that, so even if it wasn't pointless, your plan was doomed from the start. Finally, while I'm no relationship expert, I can tell you with confidence that being a fourth wheel in someone else's relationship isn't what you want, so even if in some weird parallel universe you somehow succeeded, you still wouldn't have succeeded. Not really. In other words, your plan was pointless, doomed, and misguided right off the drawing board. It's a trifecta of failure."

"Then what was I supposed to do?" She snapped at me, though her voice was still weak. "What am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know, but this approach obviously wouldn't work and will never work. You can't just get around someone's sexual orientation with a clever loophole like that."

"Do you think I don't know that?!" she burst out, at last, finally shedding her inhibitions and squeezing the rabbit plushie against her torso so hard it looked painful. "I've been with Milady much, much longer than you! I loved her ever since… ever since we first met! I knew that she wasn't interested in me, in girls, but… but I held out hope! Do you have any idea how it felt? When I finally mustered the courage to confess my feelings, and she told me I was like a sister to her?"

Oof, princess. Sister-zoning her probably wasn't the brightest decision, though knowing her, she probably blurted it out in the heat of the moment while blushing red like a tomato. I could cut some slack for her for that, but Judy knew the tropes, so she should've coached her about this beforehand. Oh well, it's spilt milk now, so no point stressing over it.

"No, I don't know how it felt," I responded as calmly as possible to keep things civil. "As I just told you, contrary to popular belief, I'm no relationship expert. Hell, I very nearly blew my relationship with the girls early on and had to course-correct hard to make up for it. There's no advice I can give you in good faith that can help you score with the princess, but I can at least tell you this: this current approach of yours is never going to work, and you'll never 'fix' her orientation, so I can only see two potentially workable options for you. You can either give up on Elly and look for other fish in the sea, or you give up on a romantic relationship with her and find fulfilment in other ways. It's your choice to make."

For the next minute or so, the two of us sat in silence while Melinda ruminated over my words. She wasn't crying, or throwing a tantrum, but the minute changes in her expression told me that she was undergoing substantial internal turmoil. While I wondered if I got better at reading people's expressions thanks to my constant exposure to Judy, she finally came to some sort of resolution.

"I… want to stay by Milady's side. I can't bear to part with her."

She watched my reaction closely, so I flashed a reassuring smile.

"Sure. You do you." Melinda let out a sharp breath. Was it in relief? Or something else? Maybe I wasn't so great at reading people's emotions after all. Anyhow, I linked my fingers in my lap and told her, "But if you want to do that, I recommend you first go and sit down with Elly. Properly, this time, and have a good long talk about this without any double-talk, or innuendo. Okay?"

"Yes. I will… follow Master Leonard's advice."

I eyed her suspiciously for a second, but she appeared completely sincere.

"I can't decide if that's better or worse than 'future young master', so let's just agree to…" As I was speaking, there was something that caught my attention. Didn't Melinda lock the door behind her? "Just a second, I'll be right back."

Saying so, I stood up and walked over to the door at a brisk pace. I could already hear movement on the other side, and I didn't even need to use Far Sight to figure out the identity of our eavesdroppers.

"What are you two doing?" I asked, only mildly exasperated, and my princess awkwardly grinned at me in return.

"Science," my dear assistant responded in her usual deadpan voice. Even after being discovered like this, the two of them continued to crouch in the hallway.

The door was already slightly ajar when I walked up to it, so I guessed that they returned while I was in the middle of clearing things up with Melinda, Elly quietly unlocked the door, and then they kept silently watching us through the gap.

Funnily enough, the first to react to the new development was Melinda, who hastily stood up and bowed towards the door. Even more amusingly, she was still holding on to the plushie, probably to cover up her exposed cleavage, because that sexy maid outfit did a pretty bad job at that. But then again, its actual job was precisely to be titillating, so maybe it was doing too well? And why was I internally debating the efficiency of fetish paraphernalia again?

…

Oh, right. Because this situation was awkward, and my brain was looking for an outlet. Shaking my head, I gestured for the girls to get up and come inside. I didn't know how long they'd been eavesdropping on us, but they must've heard the end of our discussion at the very least, because Elly walked past me and approached the braided maid with stiff steps.

"Um… M-Melinda?"

"Yes, Milady?"

"Let's… talk." After squeezing that out, she subtly glanced my way, as if looking for validation, and when I nodded, she let out a sharp breath and repeated herself, though this time with more gusto. "Let's talk over there!"

She pulled Melinda towards the corner of the room, and while I had half a mind to accompany them, just to make sure they reached a proper consensus, my attention was wrestled away from those two by Judy, who attached herself to me right after she closed the door.

"You've got eight points," she stated bluntly, and I couldn't help but turn to her.

"Excuse me? Eight out of what?"

"Ten," she told me flatly and showed me her phone screen, currently dominated by a bunch of graphs and pie charts. "It's your performance on our anti-harem counter-measure scale."

"That has a scale?" I blurted out, only to belatedly realise that wasn't the main point. "Wait, if you had time to grade me, you should've come in and helped to defuse the situation."

"There was no need. You handled it well." She put away her phone and pulled me towards the bed, and we both sat down. "For a moment we wondered if it would be another Elly-at-the-rooftop situation, but you have managed to concisely yet definitely rebuff her. Good job."

"If it was a good job, then why am I only getting an eight?" I grumbled, more out of principle than anything else.

"Because your tone score pulled down your overall rating." When I frowned at her, she clarified, "You have to be more delicate with girls, Chief. Being direct in situations like this is important, but being too blunt can be detrimental to your popularity."

"Wait, isn't the whole point of your anti-harem counter-measures to make me less popular? That doesn't make any sense."

"Hush, Chief. Don't question the scientific method."

"Scientific my butt. Your scoring system is as scientific as homoeopathy."

Judy blinked and reeled back as if I just hit her in the nose.

"That's a low blow, Chief. Slanderous, even." She cleared her throat, and suddenly started mimicking some kind of accent. Maybe a southern drawl? Something in that ballpark. "In more civilized lands, what you just said would be grounds for a lawsuit."

Matching her, I tried to mimic her fake accent, and it only turned out even sillier.

"What? If you can rate me tone, I can rate your sciencey-ness, young lady. It's only fair."

"I let you know, my science is impeccable and beyond question. By the way, have you ever heard of the prophet Charles Darwin? I can give you a pamphlet if you want to learn more."

"And now I'm being evangelized!" I huffed and puffed and threw my hands into the air. "Let me tell you, young lady, in this household, we only believe in the word of Isaac Newton, and obey the laws of thermodynamics! My science says no thing about my grandpappy being a rock, only about rocks circling other rocks!"

"I assure you, we both worship the same science. If you would just listen to…"

Her words trailed off as, in the background, suddenly both Elly and Melinda started bawling and hugged each other, crushing the poor (or lucky, based on perspective) plushie between them.

"Should we go over?" Judy asked, dropping the accent, and after some deliberation, I shook my head.

"Nah. We should let them get it out of their system."

"If you say so." Judy quickly checked her e-mails and then glanced up at me. "Once they're done, do we have any other plans for today?"

"Mom-in-law already reserved me for dinner."

"Oh. Then I guess I'll better message Mom and tell her that I won't be home until the evening." Even as she said that, her thumb kept moving on the screen so fast I could barely follow, and then she unceremoniously put away her phone. "Done. Where were we?"

"Something about worshipping the same science."

"Right." She cleared her throat and adopted the same fake accent again. "Sir, we both know there's only one true Science. If you would only open your heart and let the words of prophet Darwin enter."

"Yeah, you know who else said that, young lady? Those gosh-darn quantum theory folks! We, in the Neo-Newtonian Mechanicist Church or Latter-Day Orbits don't take kindly to no folks like those phoneys around here, with their dead-alive cats and wriggly strings! You're no quantum theorist, are you?"

And like that, we continued to play around until it was either dinner-time, or Elly and Melinda stopped being dramatic in the background. Whichever came first. That was pretty much the plan from the get-go anyway, until the chambermaid threw a wrench in the works, but now things were back on track and harmonious as ever.

At least, by our standards. But who cared about others' standards, anyway?