The Simulacrum

~Chapter 155~ Part 2

A heavy ball rolled down a polished wooden lane. It wobbled a bit, then careened to the left, but before it could get dangerously close to the gutter on the side, it somehow course-corrected. The ball continued on a remarkably straight trajectory, accompanied by a characteristic rhythmic sound, ultimately hitting the pins at the end and knocking down four of them.

"Good going, Dormouse."

Despite my praise, my lovely assistant remained humourless as she turned to me and pointed at the screen hanging over the lane.

"Is it?"

"Honestly, I have no idea," I told her with an implied shrug. "I'm still not too keen on the scoring system of this game, so let's just play for fun."

"Maybe I should ask Elly." We both glanced over to the next lane and after a long beat, she turned back to me. "Or maybe not. Let's not bother them."

"Agreed. My turn."

I picked up my own bowling ball and walked past Judy. This was a pretty laidback Thursday afternoon, and after some mulling over, we decided to have an outing to let off some steam. We've spent our after-school time studying for the tests during the last couple of days, either at Elly's place or at the base, so we really needed it. Or rather, the others needed it. Compared to my usual headache-primers, the exam period felt rather tame, but I digress.

Anyhow, we had some breathing room, since we only had a single biology test left, so I took the girls out to relax a bit. We already had some plans for tomorrow afternoon, ostensibly to 'celebrate surviving the exams', as Angie would put it, and then I was going put my capital-P 'Plan' into action on the weekend, so it was now or never.

As for why bowling? To be honest, I still wasn't one hundred percent sure whether I would make it my official hobby or not, but it ticked the boxes. It was relaxing, it wasn't too complicated, it wasn't directly competitive, and Sebastian already made me buy the yearly membership card, so I figured I might as well use it. Getting to see my girlfriends in sporty outfits and hanging out together was also a nice bonus.

In the meantime, I scowled at the single still-standing pin at the end of the lane, took a deep breath, and tried my best to imitate the old dragon's movements. The purple ball in my hand skipped a bit upon touching the waxed wood, which told me I didn't get it quite right, but it remained on target. I watched as it neared the pin… only to then slightly go off-course, and…

Seriously, was this on purpose? This kept happening every bloody time. Was the lane specifically designed to alter the direction of the ball mid-way somehow? Maybe. I never looked too deeply into how bowling works as a sport and its mechanics, because I was afraid that once I did that, I would unconsciously try to optimize the fun out of it. That kind of thing happened so often, I was convinced it was part of the human condition.

But back to the ball: it veered to the side, then back, then slowed to a crawl, and ultimately gently tapped the solitary pin at the end of the lane before falling into the pit. It wobbled like a drunk flamingo for a few seconds, then agonizingly teetered on the edge of falling over before gravity finally gave it the middle finger and it fell with a hollow thud.

"Yes! Spare!"

"Is that good?"

"Of course." I turned back to Judy, ready to explain, only to falter. "Or at least I think it is. I believe when this happens, you're supposed to add the score of your first roll of the next frame plus ten to the previous frame and… It's a bit convoluted."

"I can see that." She glanced at the automated score screen and took out her phone. "Should I look it up on the internet?"

"No. Bad idea. We're here to have fun, not to research rules. If you're that curious, ask Sebastian about it later. I'm sure he'll be happy to talk your ears off."

"I'll consider that." She obediently put away her phone and conspicuously looked at the nearby lane. I followed her gaze, and she uttered, "Are you sure this is all right?"

"Yeah. I see nothing wrong with this," I replied off-handedly.

Over there, the princess was in the process of adjusting Melinda's bowling posture. She was dressed in the same light blue shirt and skirt combo as my girlfriends, and if not for her ever-present braids, I might've not even recognized her at a glance. I supposed her being a maid was just seared too deeply into my mind, and her wearing anything other than the black-and-white frilly uniform with the headdress just felt subtly wrong.

"Like this, Milady?" she mumbled as she adjusted her shoulders.

"Yes, but I told you that you shouldn't call me 'Milady' when you're off-duty," Elly insisted, tugging on her sports visor for emphasis. For some reason. It was one of those crownless caps that looked like a headband with a bill attached, and I had no idea why she was wearing one, since we were in-doors. I had a vague feeling that I'd seen professional tennis players wearing these on TV, so maybe it was out of habit?

"But… it's too sudden…" Melinda continued to mumble, visibly awkward, but my draconic girlfriend barrelled on with unbridled enthusiasm.

"Don't be silly! We've known each other for too long for being this formal, especially now!"

The braided currently-not-maid nodded and, after taking a deep breath, she took up the starting stance and rolled her ball down the lane. It careened off track early and only managed to knock over one pin, yet the princess acted like she just hit a strike on her first try.

"I knew it! You're a natural at this."

"Do you think so, E-Eleanor?"

While Elly was a bundle of sunshine, as usual, Melinda remained a bit reserved, even uncomfortable at times. It wasn't surprising, since due to the unexpected development the other day, where she tried to wedge herself into our relationship as my 'concubine' of all things, the atmosphere between the two of us remained rather frosty. It was mostly coming from her side though, and even now, she was periodically glancing at me, as if feeling guilty about hogging the princess's attention.

"I guess Elly's just feeling guilty for not realizing Melinda's feelings before, so she's pampering her a bit."

My absent-minded comment caused Judy to turn to me again and scrutinize my expression.

"And you aren't worried about it," she stated blandly, and I nodded along.

"Of course not. Those two are close enough that trying to separate them would probably cause more useless relationship drama than just letting them be."

Also, while I didn't say it out loud, I felt like getting jealous here would've been just silly. Not only because it would be the pot calling the kettle black, with me being in a poly-relationship and all, but because Melinda's little stunt (or rather, the resolution she reached with the princess afterwards) landed her so deep in 'sister-zoned' territory, I doubted she would ever get out of it.

I figured she would be unsatisfied with that arrangement, but by the looks of it, she was just happy to have Elly's attention. I couldn't be entirely sure this whole hubbub was fully resolved yet, but Elly was having fun, Melinda was behaving herself, and I only had to put up with some awkward sneak peeks and apologetic glances. In conclusion, I considered the side-plot officially 'under control'.

"A fair point, but I still feel like this is a betrayal of our anti-harem principles," Judy grumbled, so I poked the spot between her eyebrows with a grin.

"Don't overthink it, or you'll get wrinkles."

"I'm not, and I won't. I'm planning to always stay young in heart, and since the world is illusory, it means wrinkles are meaningless too."

"No philosophizing about the nature of reality either," I scolded her by poking her a few more times. "We're here to relax, remember?"

Judy gave me a deadpan stare, but then side-stepped my extended finger and picked up a ball from the return mechanism.

"Fine. I'll adopt a 'wait and see' approach as well."

She was just about to make her roll but was halted by Elly skipping to our side.

"How are you doing over here?" She looked up at the scoreboard and flashed a grin at me. "Wow! You hit a spare! You're really getting good at this!"

"Thanks, I'm trying."

"And Judy is…" There was an awkward pause, followed by, "Everyone was a beginner once!"

"Chief, I think she's making fun of me. Can I kick her?"

"No. Also, why kicking?"

"My hands are occupied," she stated flatly, then as if just realizing something, she turned on her heel and tossed the ball onto the lane. "Now, they aren't occupied, so I can poke her, pinch her, or put her in a choke hold. Which one would you—?"

We never get to hear the end of the sentence, as there was a loud clatter, followed by a jaunty tune from the screen over our head announcing a strike. We both looked at it, then our attention shifted to the empty spot at the end of the lane.

"And that's beginner's luck!" Elly proclaimed with a silly grin.

"Chief, she's definitely picking a fight right now. Can I hit her with a Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Suplex?"

"Wasn't that a cannon?"

Judy gave me a disappointed look and clicked her tongue.

"Chief, you ruined the reference."

"No, I didn't. Nobody was going to get it anyway."

"What's a 'Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon'?"

Elly's question was reasonable, yet barely audible, as she was hiding behind my back. I glanced over, and seeing that she still had question marks floating over her head, I faced Judy and pointed a thumb over my shoulder at the girl behind me with a deadpan, "Case in point."

"No, really. What is it?" Elly asked again, sounding half curious and half wary.

"I'll tell you when you're older," Judy stated solemnly, and it was now Elly's turn to look at me for support.

"Leo! Judy's teasing me! Do something!"

"How about you both take a step back and ease off a bit?" I proposed, but they didn't listen. At a time like this, the safest way to defuse the situation was to change the topic, and I quickly found a suitable candidate. "More importantly, where's Melinda?"

"She needed to use the toilet," Elly replied matter-of-factly.

"Alone? Don't girls go to the toilet together all the time?"

"Chief, that's a stereotype. Don't be an -ist."

"What '-ist'? 'Confused about female toilet etiquetteist'?"

"Oh no, you didn't," Judy uttered in mock horror. "Now you've done it, Chief. I'm deeply disappointed."

"Hi, deeply disappointed. I'm Leo," I responded cheerfully, and while Judy didn't appreciate my jest, Elly let out a soft giggle.

"Hehe. Dad used to do that a lot when I was little."

"Aren't you a bit too young for dad jokes," Judy griped with a hand on her hip. "At least wait until we have kids."

"It never hurts to get started early. I've been collecting these so that I'll have one for every occasion. For example, do you know who are the best bowlers?" There was a long beat, during which Judy braced herself. "The ones with talent to spare." Another beat later, Elly let out a giggle, Judy rolled her eyes, and I declared, "I can do this all day!"

"You see, Chief? This is why people have a hard time taking what you say at face value. For all we know, you could really be collecting dad jokes, or maybe that is a joke in and of itself." She shook her head with a sigh and folded her arms. "Just like what happened at the press conference."

"What?" I blurted out in genuine surprise. "I thought it was a smashing success."

I held that one last evening, after much preparations, and it included representatives from both the Federation, the Assembly, the Celestials, and even some minor parties. There were apparently a bunch of the latter out there; small organizations and families with mystical heritages that didn't belong to any of the big supernatural superpowers. Kind of like the Kage clan before they attached themselves to me, now that I thought about it.

More importantly, I had no idea what Judy was insinuating.

"Seriously, it was fine. I told everyone about the 'limits' of my powers, the Bel situation, the Elysium being dedicated to upholding the masquerade in the future, I answered all their questions, and there were no interruptions or stampedes. It was so straightforward it was borderline boring."

"That already shows that you still don't understand how impactful your statements can be," my dear assistant continued to lecture me with just a hint of a frown (which was the equivalent of a major frown by Judy-standards). "Next time, let me write your script."

"Script? I didn't have one. I just responded naturally."

"… All the more reason to let me write it the next time," she insisted, and after locking gazes for a while, I decided to be the bigger man and gave in.

"Oh, fine," I huffed and pointedly averted my eyes. "I make one little joke in public, and you act like it's the end of the world."

"You know…" Elly chimed in, no longer hiding behind me, "… you did tell them that if they want to break the rules, they should make their wills first because you're a busy man and can't wait for them to write them on the spot."

"Yes, that was the joke," I reiterated. "A bit of black humour to ease the mood. I even winked at the end, to show I wasn't entirely serious."

"'Entirely', Chief. That's the keyword. Those representatives have no way to tell which part was supposed to be the joke." A beat later, Judy whispered, "Now that I think about it, even I'm not sure." Shaking her head, she looked back at me and emphasized, "Either way, it wasn't funny."

"Ouch, Dormouse. That hurt."

It was around this time that Melinda returned from the restroom, looking slightly less awkward than before.

"I have refreshed myself and am ready to continue." When she didn't get an immediate response, she looked at each of us in turn and automatically adopted the same posture she used when she was on duty. "Oh? Am I interrupting?"

"Nah, it's nothing major," I told her maybe a tad dismissively. "We're just in a disagreement over whether or not I'm funny."

"Chief, I can't help but feel that you're focusing on the wrong part of the conversation."

"No, Dormouse. I get it. I have to put in more effort, so before the end of the week, I'll make it my goal to memorize two hundred dad jokes, so that I will never be caught unfunny ever again."

"Those aren't exactly the pinnacle of comedy," Judy pointed out, and I've got unexpected support from the side.

"Why?" The princess asked, sounding genuinely confounded by my other girlfriend's statement. "I think they're funny."

"Elly, you're not helping," Judy tried to argue back, but momentum was on my side.

"Thank you. I solemnly swear that henceforth I will strive for dad-joke excellence."

"Oh no. What have I wrought…?" my lovely assistant exclaimed in mock horror, Elly only grinned, while Melinda…

"Ah. It appears everything is the same as usual." She paused, and after taking a look at the bowling balls and the lanes, she addressed the princess in particular. "Milady? Should we continue?"

"I told you to call me Elly, and…" She hesitated for a moment and sent a meaningful glance at the food court. "I'm getting a little bit hungry. Should we eat something first?"

"I'm game."

"I'm also peckish," Judy answered next, while Melinda just nodded along.

"All right! Let's try a new pizza today!" Elly exclaimed and pointed us towards the food court. "What should we order?"

"I don't know. I'm personally a little ambivalent about pizzas," I mused as we started walking. "On the upside, I admit they have some great toppings. On the downside, they don't."

There was a long beat, and then Judy let out a soft groan, while Elly exclaimed a quiet, 'Ah, I get it!', leaving only Melinda in the dark.

"I told you I can do this all day," I grinned and graciously ignored Judy trying to poke me with her elbow.

Seriously though, that was the last dad-joke for the day. As fun as it was to tease my lovely Dormouse, I didn't want to ruin the mood. It was rare for us to just kick back like this, so I wanted to let everyone relax in peace. I hoped that once we ran out of bad guys, coming up one after the other in a neat row as if waiting for their turn to get a swing at me, peaceful days like this would become the norm. Or at the very least there wouldn't be any more punchlines.

…

Okay, I swear, that was the last one. Scout's honour.